Freshman Thrilled to see Hail for First Time

EVANSTON–An urgent 1845 Hinman suite conversation about where to find alcohol was derailed last Wednesday night by a Southern Californian freshman’s highly repetitive one-sided conversation about how he had lived his entire life without seeing the meteorological phenomenon known as a hail storm. The conversation would develop into a full-blown explanation of Californian culture. The freshman student, Wyn Cohen, a native to La Jolla, California on San Diego’s north side, could not quite come to terms with how any individual–let alone greater Chicago’s six million people–could trade Midwestern weather for “California’s endless beach days.” Cohen was quick to remind his suitemates that he could have stayed in California by going to a number of schools in his home state, including USC, UCLA, UCSD, UCSB, UCSJ, or Berkeley. The conversation reportedly led to other students, including Kim Tierney and Ilana Cervantes to smoke during the hail storm and swear they would never hookup with someone from the Golden State. Next door twenty-one year old Brazilian freshman, Lucas Santos Silva who had delayed his academic career to serve in the Brazilian military and saw active duty as a UN Peacekeeper, could not believe he left the D.R. of Congo to have to listen to this asshole talk about how ocean tides work. The floor’s CA, Kara Lin, commented after the fact, “Yeah, I lived outside Santa Cruz for a few years, so I miss In-and-Out and being closer to an ocean, but wow.  I’m really excited for the day he gets hit by a Safe Ride while jay walking by the arch.” “He’s definitely that guy,” added Lin. According to numerous sources, Cohen continued the conversation about California’s progressive social tendencies into his dorm room for several hours, where he proceeded to cock block his roommate who coincidently has a penis ranking in the ninety-sixth percentile.